


Buzz

by DownOnThePharm



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Humor, M/M, Nonsense, Sex Toys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-29
Updated: 2018-12-29
Packaged: 2019-09-30 00:55:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17214059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DownOnThePharm/pseuds/DownOnThePharm
Summary: Lister thinks that talking electronics are cute until he encounters Cat’s newest shiny thing, and typical Dwarfer silliness ensues.





	Buzz

**Author's Note:**

> Blame HungLikeARainbro for the idea. :D

“What the smeg is that?” Rimmer glanced up at Lister from where he knelt by the exposed bowels of Dispenser 42, a look of irritation on his face. 

Smirking, Lister replied, “What, that in your hand? It’s a spanner, man. How long have you been a technician, again?”

“Not this, you cheeky goit,” Rimmer shot back. “Obviously, I bloody well know what _this_ is, and you’ll be having it inserted if you aren’t careful.”

“Promises, promises.”

“I’m serious, Listy. Now, quit making that ridiculous kissy face at me, and listen.”

Puzzled, Lister asked, “Listen to what?”

“There’s a strange noise that just started a few minutes ago, nothing I’ve ever heard before. It’s almost like a buzzing sound. It’s coming from down that corridor, and it’s smegging annoying. Can’t you hear it?”

Lister cocked his head for a moment, listening intently. “Nah, man, but I don’t have your enhanced superhero hearing, either, Ace.” 

“More like your hearing has been ruined by the screeching of that stupid guitar, I’d say.” Rimmer skillfully dodged the 14b - no, 14f - Lister playfully flung at his head. “Behave yourself, miladdo. Help me put 42 here back together, and we’ll go have a look.”

As they reassembled her, the vending machine kept asking in a tinny, quavering voice if they truly believed she would be able to continue her long, distinguished career dispensing chocolate bars. Lister patted her side reassuringly while cooing comforting words, while Rimmer just rolled his eyes in exasperation. “Whoever decided that everything should have a personality should have been beaten half to death with a sock stuffed with batteries,” the hologram griped as they finally moved off down the corridor. “Having to coddle a neurotic candy dispenser is ridiculous.”

“C’mon, man,” Lister replied. “They aren’t all that bad. She’s just nervous because that pipe burst next to her and put her out of order a couple of years ago. I like the talking machines, y’know? They’re cute.”

Rimmer raised a brow at him. “Howdy doodly do!”

Lister shuddered at the uncannily accurate impression. “Okay, you have me there, but he’s a nutter. Most of the talking things are cute - how’s that?”

“Smegging insane, frankly. Do you hear that buzzing yet?”

“Hmm - yeah, I do now. What do you think it could be?”

“No idea. It seems to be coming from Cat’s quarters. It’s probably some new beauty aid the vain idiot found down in the mall. ‘Buff your hair, skin, and nails into absolute perfection with the BuzzyThing 3000!’ Why do you have that look on your face, Listy?”

Lister didn’t respond for a moment, then said slowly, “I swear I’ve heard this before... no way... it couldn’t be.”

“What? What are you thinking?” 

Seemingly not hearing the hologram, Lister continued muttering, “Sounds just like it, though. Nah - couldn’t be - where would he have found it?” Brushing past Rimmer, who was trying to block the corridor bodily, Lister palmed open the door to Cat’s quarters, and peered in. “Smegging hell, it is! Cat, man, where did you get that?”

The felinoid was lounging like a pasha amidst the sumptuous linens of his king-sized bed, lazily batting around a noisily buzzing object. “Hey, buds! What’s up? Like my new toy? It’s mine! You can’t have it.”

“Believe me, I don’t want it,” Lister answered as he entered the heavily perfumed room, Rimmer close on his heels. “I just want to know where the smeg you found it!”

“It was in Officer Bud-Babe’s lingerie drawer - why? She left it here when she cut out, so she obviously didn’t want it, so it’s mine now. Look - it’s long and pink and sparkly, just like me!” As he spoke, Cat rolled protectively over onto his new prized possession to defend it from his shipmates’ prying eyes. “It’s my shiny thi... Holy Great Mother, what... oh...” Cat’s eyes widened and his mouth hung slack as the strange new sensations briefly overwhelmed him.

Utterly confused, Rimmer demanded, “Lister, what the hell is going on? What is that? Is that a - a battery-powered sex aid?”

“Yeah. Kochanski’s. I gave it to her. It’s not just a bog-standard one, though. It’s” - Lister broke off as he realized that Cat had rolled over onto his back and was now staring at the merrily buzzing vibrator with an expression of wonder and lust. “Cat! Don’t press that button!” 

Cat pressed the button.

“Hi ho diddly doodily! I’m Vibrating Vic, your buzzing sexy-time companion!”

Blushing furiously, Lister hid his face in his hands as Rimmer gaped at him for a second, then burst into guffaws. “You gave her that? Listy, Listy, Listy, you naughty boy! Weren’t you enough for her?”

“Smeg off, man! It was a Valentine’s gift!”

“Really? Flowers too boring for you? Choccies too pedestrian?”

“Rimmer...”

“Hey diddle diddle, it’s time for us to fiddle!”

“Bud, what is this? What does it do? It feels really nice!”

“Cat...”

“How, pray tell, did you come up with that idea? ‘Here, Krissy - a little something for when I can’t give you one!’”

“RIMMER!”

“You’ll float like a butterfly when I buzz like a bee, sweetie pie!”

“CAT, SHUT THAT DAMN THING OFF!”

“No way, Gerbil Cheeks! I like him!”

“Oh, for smeg’s sake. You’re all bleedin’ loonies! Cat, man, I’m telling ya, you’ll regret turning that thing on!”

“Did someone say turn on? That’s my specialty! I can vibrate for you and your mate!”

“Rimmer, it’s not that funny! Get up off the smegging floor and let’s go!”

“I can make you moan when you’re all alone!”

“Oh, my God, make it stop - I can’t breathe!”

“You don’t need to breathe, smeghead! Let’s go!”

“I can tickle your fancy, and any other bits you might like! I’m great for stress relief!”

“Buds, get out. I want to spend some quality time with my shiny new friend here. He’s mine - you can’t have him!”

Appalled, Lister turned to escape, and promptly tripped over Rimmer, who was kneeling on the floor crying with laughter. “C’mon, before I lock you in here and make you witness Cat getting his groove on!” He grabbed Rimmer’s arm and unceremoniously hauled him to his feet, dragging him out the door while bellowing, “Lock! LOCK!”

As they fled from the scene of horror, Rimmer managed to gasp, “So, do you still think talking electronics are cute, Listy?”

“No, and that includes smegging holograms!”

“You’ll change your mind tonight when I hey diddly diddly do you.”

“Sorry, man. I think I’ve been put off sex for the rest of me life.”


End file.
